Tuesday, May 16, 2006

This machine can only swallow money

I am feeling a pawn in the hands of my academic masters. Bedford rules my life; I think about it almost all the time. Patterns. Always looking for patterns and motivation. I think we give people in history too much credit; when I vote I do so, if not randomly, then without a clear idea of any guiding ideology in my life. None of the parties represent my thoughts, and why should that have been different three hundred years ago? Why should people have had any more rational process than we do now? Just because we look at people in history through the objective eyes of scholarship, it doesn't mean that they were objective in their choices. We give too litte credit to what people might whimsically (sp??) think.

I am really very very happy, and it is because of just a few things: one, Sarah (as ever); two, the fact that my tutor told me today that what I was doing was imaginatively pushing boundaries in a way which hadn't been properly engaged with in the same way before; the fact that I actually feel I have something to offer the academic community even after only a few months working in it; the fact that 120 people came to my quiz and that they shut the fuck up when I told them to. All of this adds to transitory happiness. Financially, this is ruinous for me; loads of people seem to go through the retail therapy thing, and spend money when they feel shit. I spend money celebrating happiness. Perhaps a dose of sorrow would help the bank balance. Fancy telling me I crap at everything anyone???


Anonymous all round coverage said...

You crap at everything. Point Martin and fire.

4:14 PM  

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